At least all my other stocks are back up now…

You’re probably thinking to yourself “this guy is nuts, the recession is supposed to keep going until like 2010 or something, and I’m still poor. This doesn’t add up.” That’s where you’re wrong, my friend. Here’s how I fixed everything for a low low price of $3000. That’s right. The entire US economy for only three thousand dollars.

Before I go ahead and give everything away, I need to give you guys some background information. Namely, this — I can’t make money in the stock market. No, really. It’s impossible for me. No matter what I buy, the value is guaranteed to go down. Guaranteed! I’m pretty amazed, but I know this isn’t just bad luck. This is Murphy’s Law at work.

I decided to put the law to work for everyone else, at my own sacrifice. Here’s how it worked. I bought $3000 worth of SDS. It’s a short S&P500 ETF. That means It’s value increases when the S&P500 goes down, and decreases when the S&P500 goes up. Since the S&P500 is a pretty good measure of how much money is in the market, I decided if this goes back up, it will end the recession. People will see that investors are investing again, the credit market will start flowing, and all will be good. So, I used Murphy’s Law to my advantage. Well, to your advantage I guess. I bought SDS when it was at 116.63.

Now, lets think about this. The S&P500 was around 675 at the time. If it ever went lower, I’d be making money. We all know that can’t happen. So what’s left for the market to do? That’s right. It has to go up. As long as I own these shares of SDS, the market will never dip below 675. I promise. There is no possible way that I can make money on anything, so that pretty much means we’ve hit the bottom, and the bottom is 675.

So go ahead and throw your cash into any stock you want! It’ll probably make money. All it has to do is just match market performance. I promise I’ll hold these shares of SDS and just allow myself to lose it all. Really.

If I ever decide to sell them, I’ll let everyone know. Because, right after I sell them, the market will crash and their value will skyrocket. As for now, buy buy buy! It’s only up from here!

Click Here to check out the market. If you see the S&P500 below 675, the world has ended.

Happy 2009.